Bryan and Amy spoke about the particular challenges of (re)marriage with kids, especially when the situation with the non-custodial parent is challenging. Their children are 9, 7, and 2. The oldest two have regular visitation with their father.

Amy: When we got married, we were both established in our own homes.

Bryan: We were both coming in with shields up toward certain things. While we were dating, I felt like there were things we needed to work out and be clear on ahead of time because we would have enough pressure when we were married, but that left you feeling like “I have my kids hanging here—" 

Amy: In a vulnerable spot.

Bryan: Yes. You and the kids in a vulnerable spot and waiting on me. Those are hard places. 

Then when we got married; we’re figuring out the parenting thing. To work through a relationship, that's hard enough, but then to have to learn to parent, too? How do you step in? I try my best to fall in line behind her, to try to mirror what she’s doing, because I felt that that would be the safest for the kids. It wasn't an "I'm going to come in and be Dad;" it was "At what speed do you want to bring me in and introduce me in this role?" That part, God was really good to us in that. I thought it was as smooth as it could possibly be.

But then we get pregnant right away, which is what we wanted, and we’re now getting used to living together. I'm living under the same roof with kids for the first time in my life and for the first time with a wife.

Amy: Mm-hmm and with a pregnant wife.

Bryan: Which is way different than anything else I had experienced. Nine months of change. Then we’ve got an infant – another first for me while I'm still learning to become a dad to the other two. It was constant readjustment all the time. Really, it wasn't until the last this last year that we've had a honeymoon phase. 

Amy: Yeah.

Bryan: I mean, as weird as it sounds, we were almost two years into marriage before we could step back and say, "Everybody's somewhat good here. Now we’re going to focus on us for a little while." We recognized that we really needed an investment into us because we were lacking there. We did that and it's been amazing.

Amy: Yes. It actually made quarantine really nice. I know it's hard, and a lot of people are struggling. But  for us, because we have spent the last year working on things, we're like, "I like you! We're not fighting at all!" I think we're at a record low, and yet we're all home every day.

Bryan: That's the thing. To a lot of people, we had this really cool, redeeming story – finding each other and getting married – but it didn't end there. The story goes on. It got really hard for awhile again. We had to rebalance. There will be other things that will be hard, and we’ll have to deal with those too. It’s good to realize that someone’s story doesn’t end. It goes on and God does new things.

***

Bryan:  There is something I want to touch on. I’m a bit of a pit bull when it comes to my kids or my wife or my friend. I’m very protective, and that’s served me well. 

Amy: He’s the kindest person that you’ll ever meet until he’s not.

Bryan: No one thinks I have that in me.

Amy: You don't want to be on that side of Bryan.

Bryan: The single hardest thing that I ever had to do with any of this is I had to learn that if I were to make the kids’ dad the bad guy, and discourage them from having a relationship with him, I would actually be doing damage to them in the long term. I know what he's done to my wife, and I know what he’s done to my children. And watching Amy encourage these children that they are going to be safe, even though she doesn’t 100-percent know that...that is her way of loving and protecting them because she can't legally stop them from going. That has ripped my heart out. It's the single hardest thing I deal with.

Amy: They have good visits with him, and then they have visits that are not good. I think what we've had to learn sooner than a lot of parents is that just because they're with us doesn't mean we can protect them. I feel like if they're here then I'm protecting them and I'm keeping them safe and I'm supplying their needs. And when they're not with me, then I can't do that, and I feel scared. 

But what God has been teaching us – harshly sometimes – is that none of that is in our control anyway. When I have them with me and I think, "They're here so they're safe," it's really not me keeping them safe anyway, it's God who's keeping them safe. He knows the number of their days, the number of years on their heads, and every bruise and bump and grumbly tummy. But I feel like I can control that, so having them go and visit their dad has been something we've had to work through together. Even this morning at 8:00 a.m., we leave them and think—

Bryan: And June is crying.

Amy: And June doesn't want to go. She never wants to go. And I know when we get them back, we'll see what kind of kids they are, and we'll start the detoxing process.

Bryan: And I think, as Christians, it's easy for us to say – I’m not throwing stones here – but it's easy for us to say, “I totally trust God.” But when you send your children into to a toxic situation where you do not know what’s happening, it’s hard not to think of the worst possible outcomes.

So then we have say, "Okay God, are we really so arrogant to think that they're safer with us than they are with you? We're trusting you with them.” People all have things they’ve been through. This is going to be part of their thing. It’s going to be part of what their story is. We’ll see how God is going to ultimately use that. Obviously you want to protect them as much as you can, but to assume that God can't use this for his glory? He can.

Amy:  We would never have chosen this for our kids, but if that's part of their story, then we're really hoping and praying that God uses that in a really specific way for them, and a really strong way. They're going to struggle with things. They've had things happen that kids shouldn't have happen. Many kids haven't had any kind of hardness in their life, let alone at that age, but I think it gives us a unique opportunity to teach things that are really hard, but they can actually understand. We've talked about crazy stuff with them. I think they have a pretty good grasp on who God is for them.

Ben, my oldest, latched onto “Good, Good Father” as his favorite song. He loves that one. Father has a weird connotation in our home, but we have a father in heaven who is perfect. We have opportunities to teach who God is.

June, she's terrified to go, so we've had a lot of talks, "What can you do? Mom's not there; maybe you don't feel comfortable with Dad. What can you do then? Is there someone who's always there with you?" 
"Yeah, God." 
"Well, talk to him then. He's got you in his hands."

Bryan:  This is a bar that constantly gets set in front of us – I definitely didn't have it before – to show Christ’s love, this true, biblical, real, God-centered love. The kids see what God’s love is; they see what it’s not too. 

Instead of getting into this whole competition thing, and worrying about a lot of this, we have an opportunity to just put that love on full display. It’s a really good reminder for me to check myself when I start to drift down those paths in my head with their dad.

***