“I grew up in church and believing in the power of prayer,” Marilyn Howard explains, “however God has taught me to recognize that I didn’t really understand or know what that looks like in real life. My knowledge was very immature and surface-level. Looking back, it was more religion than relationship.
“I always wanted to be a good Christian, a good parent, and a good wife. Those three things were very important to me. I truly did desire to walk with him, but I thought that you had to do everything by yourself. So my walk was like a yo-yo, constantly up and down. Be strong, put on a happy face, act like everything is fine and mask anything that isn’t; living a life of religion has all these rules of do’s and don’ts. I felt so much heaviness and stress from trying so hard but then feeling like I'm never going to make it to heaven because I'm never going to be good enough or get it right.”
The transition from having religion to having a relationship with God was slow and often messy. “There was a season when my daughter had left, and we were estranged. For six very long years, I prayed for my daughter, for us to be reunited. I eventually got to the point where I gave up on that happening. At that point, I literally said, ‘Nope, God. I'm done. Don't talk to me, I can't look at you.’
“That was a very dark season. Then ten years ago, something shifted. God being God showed up, and my daughter and I were reunited in a beautiful way. I realized, ‘Okay, he was always here; he still loves me.’”
There would be more dark days ahead and also more of God revealing his love to Marilyn. She left an unsafe marriage, sacrificing a relationship with two adult sons in the process and praying that God would reconnect her to all of her children and, eventually, grandchildren. It would take five years, but it did happen.
In the meantime, Marilyn was holding on to shame and confusion in secret. She says God used three things to pry her open: “Prayer, counseling, and community.”
“When I started really growing in my relationship with God, I prayed, ‘Will you remind me to pray every morning and every night?" I fought praying that for a while because I thought it was bad to even have to ask that, but I'm so glad I did. My desire for prayer was important to God and I needed reminders. God began to put people or situations on my heart to pray for. I took that seriously and I started to see his hand in so many things. Witnessing that was a large part of my growth and maturity in prayer.”
As Marilyn spent more time talking to God, her relationship with him changed, and the religious mask she had gotten used to wearing started to come off. “A relationship with God gives me the freedom to be honest. He already knows everything about me, down to what I’m thinking. He knew I was going to yo-yo and still loved me. I don't know how to put into words the freedom to be able to have a conversation and say anything, knowing God's not going to be mad at me for saying it. It’s something you have to experience!”
There were still some ways she was saying, “I want you, God” while holding on to something else though. “Part of my shame was that my divorce was not final until May of 2015, but I started dating in December of 2014. Three years later, there was this battle going on within me because I was still holding onto that relationship. I was living in sin. I knew that, and yet, I wanted God’s blessing too.
“God knew me, and he loved me enough to allow me to sink down so low that there was nothing I could do. I found myself in a position where I felt I wasn’t able to pray. I was so numb. One day I opened my Bible and read Psalm 51, ‘Create in me a clean heart, O God. And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your Holy Spirit from me’ (NASB). For almost an entire year, I wrestled with God. I got to the point where I was so lost and in such despair and that’s where God got my attention: I had to choose to stay where I was or have faith and continue on.
“In counseling, I was learning that desires require action. That’s when I started to really search my heart and seek God. I asked him to help me correct my wrongs and to know what steps I needed to take to do that. That was the catalyst to move me from the desire to change to actually taking action. Once I realized I couldn’t have this relationship and God’s blessing, I said, ‘Okay, God,’ and in obedience, I moved out and eventually ended the relationship.
“Around the same time, I was going to Rebuilding After Divorce at Calvary. I feel like that was a springboard for me. God used that to help me uncover the shame I was holding on to. I had been keeping everything to myself, thinking I wasn't allowed to share.
“I never realized how much shame was on me. In the very first session, I was just bawling. I didn't want to be there, but if the enemy had kept me from that blessing, I would have never experienced all the things that God had for me.” This was one of the first times Marilyn had experienced Christian community the way it’s meant to be, carrying one another’s burdens.
“Without that, I think I probably would have been too afraid to do anything in the church. It introduced me to people, and then I started serving. I started at the coffee bar and then as a greeter. I went through the membership class and volunteered for Vacation Bible School. That was awesome. I’ve always loved that, the music and the kids. I signed up for the mission trip to Guatemala. Recently, I’ve been invited to be part of the Sunday prayer team.
“When I pray, I literally ask for my desires to be in line with God’s. I still have the desire to be a good wife. My therapist has encouraged me: ‘Pray for your future husband. Even though you may not know who it is, pray.’ But if that’s not God’s plan or his desire for me, then I don’t want him to give that to me. Desires do change and as I’ve grown closer to God, mine have changed. It’s like the song Fade Away says, ‘If you’re not in it, then I don’t want it.’”
Though I don’t know what my future holds, I do know and believe beyond a shadow of doubt that I can trust God has the best plans for me. He is worthy of all praise!”
