“In our heads, we’re still a young married couple,” Ryan Silver says. “But when someone in our Life Group asks for advice or perspective, we wonder, ‘How did we get to be the seasoned mentor couple?’”
Ryan and Sheila are Life Group leaders at Calvary, where they have combined their passion to give newly married couples the kind of solid relational start they had with Calvary’s commitment to teach people how to do life together in community.
“The church we came from in Texas put newly married couples in what they called a foundation group because you were in a foundation-building time in your marriage,” Sheila says. “The group was life-changing for us. We learned things that have continued to bless our marriage: how to communicate, how to ‘fight fair,’ how to love and forgive, and how to show grace. Ryan and I still go back to those foundational tools when we hit walls or hard times.”
“When Jon Nitta [Pastor of Spiritual Growth] asked us to be Life Group leaders, we asked, ‘Can it be a newly married group?’” Ryan says. “We moved here because we wanted to live somewhere north, with four seasons, and in a small town. It was undeniable that we were led here and to Calvary. We were serving in different ways, and we loved it, but there wasn’t this ‘Aha!’ moment where we knew why this was the place God put us. Until that moment with Jon.”
“We have always talked about how blessed we were to be part of our foundation group, and Jon’s offer looked like an avenue that was opening up for us to serve in a way that had served us so well.”
“When the Lord places something on your heart, just ask,” Sheila says. “Maybe it’s a no, maybe ‘Not now’ or ‘Not yet,’ but so often your ministry starts with a conversation as simple as that.”
Pastor Jon said yes, and the Silver’s first group of couples married fewer than 3 years formed a few weeks later during Life Group Launch. They are now mentoring and doing life with their second group.
“We start with Calvary’s core curriculum on why community is important, what the Bible says about community and not living in isolation, and why you need to be authentic with each other to be able to walk through the good and bad together,” the Silvers say. “Then we ask them to create their spiritual life map [a pictorial account of the highs and lows of one’s life and God’s hand in them] and share their stories. We start with ours.”
“That breaks the ice and gives them an example,” Ryan says. “It lets the group know that we’re all broken sinners. We’re not this perfect mentor couple with no problems. Here’s our junk.”
“Afterwards, there is a change. It’s like a weight comes off people. You’re not thinking about how you better not slip up, say the wrong thing, admit too much. Everybody knows everything now anyway. So let’s just get to the good stuff, the real stuff.”
Sheila adds, “When you realize what someone else has gone through, you have this amazing grace and sympathy for them that endures. Sometimes you’re going to butt heads on difficult subjects. Some of the things we talk about make people bristle or make them uncomfortable. It’s okay to wrestle with that and be honest about it. Some of the best discussions come out of that. When you can accept and appreciate one another where you are and listen to each other, there is so much to learn.”
“After the life maps, we work through a few marriage-related books reading and discussing,” the Silvers say. “One on communication, one on marriage as a means to make you more holy because it’s not about making you more happy. (To expect your spouse to fill a hole in your heart only God can fill sets him or her up for failure, Sheila says.) Then we’ll do a book on intimacy. We’ve heard time and again from people, ‘I wish somebody had taught me about intimacy when I was newly married.’”
“Throughout every conversation and book, we’re encouraging honest answers and being authentic about what’s going on with you and your spouse and your marriage. Eventually, after a year or so, we’ll step away and the idea is for the group to continue on together as a Life Group. We want them to have created a place where it’s okay to walk in and say, ‘Hey, something is going on with us, and we need help.’ Put aside the curriculum and talk together. Pray over it together. That’s what we’re trying to model and weave through the curriculum: how to really live life together.”
Sheila and Ryan can name their share of times when community held them up, set them straight, and loved them through. Sheila’s breast cancer diagnosis and treatment and the loss of Ryan’s brother, for example. And then there’s this story: “When Ryan and I met, we both found ourselves at a place of rededicating our lives to the Lord,” Sheila says. “I had gone through some really hard, broken relationships. I did not date biblically, with purity, in the past – neither of us had – but I was committed to that for the future. Ryan was 100-percent on board.”
“He was still in the Air Force and lived 3 hours away so when we visited, we would stay in each other’s guest rooms. I had a community in my church that loved on me and said, ‘Look, you are playing with fire. Even that is dangerous.’ To be honest, it made me mad at first because we were doing so much better than either of us had before, but we listened and we leaned in and trusted them. We found other places to stay when we visited. It was a sacrifice. We’re so glad we did because they were right, as we got more serious, it got more difficult.”
“It was really important to us to put in the work in our relationship and make sure this was what the Lord wanted without getting muddled with intimacy and sex. We wanted to run everything through a filter: Is this good? Is this what the Lord wants? Is this going to lead to temptation or regret? We saw a lot of fruit from getting to know each other.”
“Then when being part of a foundation group was presented to us, it was easy to say yes. Being thoughtful about our relationship and focusing on keeping it before the Lord made us feel closer to the Lord and to each other than we had ever experienced. We don’t want to be conformed to the world, we want to be conformed to the Word. It’s blessed us really big.”
“That’s the foundation we want to lay with these newly married groups,” Ryan says before Sheila adds, “There is a gain for us too. Every time we have served in marriage ministry, it gives us a boost in our own marriage.”
“We tell the group all the time that marriage is hard, and it takes work. One of the greatest tools is a Life Group. That group loves the Lord, and you are all fighting for your marriage and each other’s marriage. Encourage each other, challenge each other, hold each other accountable, and grow stronger for it, both in your relationships and with Jesus.”
